It's funny.
I've scoured this site before in the past and even posted some. It helped. I think because at that time I was in the process of helping myself as well. The daily support threads uplifted me every morning but as the day drew on the evening took hold. It was hard at first; the stress of the day would get to me and I would have a drink. Something so simple as scouring this site after work somehow avoided me, at first, but once I started to read threads in the evening I was sober for an astounding 50 days.
Sure, I still smoked weed here and there, but the blackout nights and irresponsible spending had stopped for 50 days. I had hope, as I should've had, my wife also was sober for 50 days with me. The thought of being sober first came when I ruined my career with alcohol. My wife contributed, but in the end it was me who took the drink, by "the drink" I mean the one out of many that was the last I remember.
50 days sober come and go, I start drinking again because of the stress of starting a new career and things seem to be fine. Not sober but not at all as blackout or irresponsible as I used to be. Now, after years, I've finally made my place in a new career and am more successful than I've ever been. But I know this feeling.
The feeling where I've somehow forgotten where I've come from, what pain I've felt, and more importantly, what pain I've made others feel. The feeling where everything is fine except you know you shouldn't take a drink. Out of all the times I drink the worst is not when I'm stressed or unhappy, but when I am happy. It's something about how I should be content that bothers me. Where do I go from here, what do I accomplish now.
I'm posting here again because I remember this feeling. I had this feeling right before I ruined my first career. I am not going to ruin this one. Also, maybe it's because I am older and in reality ready to stop drinking. It has taken me as far as it can, given, nowhere isn't that far at all. It has caused many problems and offered zero solutions. It has made me many friends which I don't remember. And am probably glad I don't. Most of all it has made life forgettable and unbearable all at the same time. The negativity that alcohol is to me is infinite, yet I still want.
I've always had great support from the many good people here. I'm glad to be back, unfortunately starting again, but happy to be back. I'm scared, anxious, embarrassed and relieved all at the same time. I look forward to sharing all these feelings with you. Thanks for listening
