Syn3rgistic

Hi,

Syn3rgistic here.

So I'm about 2/3 the way through Day 3 with no alcohol or cigarettes. It hasn't been too rough. I had to take a benzo the night of day 1, and last night, I was very shaky, but after smoking for so long, obviously nicotine causes glucose to be released into the bloodstream via the liver. So it's probably a combination of dysregulated blood sugar along with lack of GABAa-R activation. I feel pretty good though overall.

Here's what is interesting about day 2/3 for me.
So I've never really been suicidal during my drinking years, but I drank daily and heavily and I lived my life as if I was going to die within the next month or so. Did you or do you live your life that way? At times I surely felt like I was going to just not wake up one morning. It was a vague feeling and not fully palpable, but it was there. It affected my behavior. I'll give some examples.

1. I only have one pair of jeans and one pair of shoes, because I only need clothes for today, I might not be here tomorrow so why invest in a a big wardrobe, besides I need that money for beer.

2. Every day I buy just enough food for literally that day and maybe drunk morning munchies. That means for years, I've gone grocery shopping (or ordered out) every single day, because why invest in food that I might not even get a chance to eat?

This extends to everything from buying lightbulbs to auto repairs. I haven't had a drivers license for almost two years. I lost my license , it's valid, I know the number by heart if I get pulled over by a cop, but what are the chances of that happening? I'll deal with it then, but why get a replacement now? It's really the same attitude that underlies having 10 beers... and then eh why not go back to the store and get 3 more? Tomorrow is never really gonna come....

But it always does, and then it sucks! But why is behavior so important to me right now?

Here's the thing. I've quit drinking/smoking before (I only made it 10 days), but I still lived this "living in the moment" lifestyle. And really it was because I was saying I was quitting, but I didn't 100% believe it.

Well yesterday, a lightbulb burnt out in my apartment. So I went to the corner store, and normally I would have bought one bulb for a dollar (it's the type of store where they will sell you a single lightbulb even though they come in packs of 4 for $3. I thought to myself without realizing what I was doing... "Well the light actually has two bulbs and one is burnt out..... I have to get on a chair to replace one bulb. If I only change one bulb then the other could burn out in a couple of weeks and I'll have to change the other bulb. But if I buy two bulbs and change them both at the same time (even though one bulb still works). I probably won't have to change either bulb for 6 months... You know what? I should just buy all 4 bulbs for $3... and that way I can change the light with two fresh bulbs now and in 6 months and put two fresh bulbs in and I wont have to buy bulbs for that light for probably around a year" --- and that's when the "lightbulb in my head came on"

.... Wait a second... I'm going to be here in a year.....? Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be? And it's something that was so subtle that came right to the forefront of my consciousness. That is that I'm not going to to not wake up tomorrow. I'm going to be here next year. I need to plan for that now. Drinking isn't going to kill me, because I'm not going to drink!

Now I have to reiterate that this is not something that consciously realized until that point. It's not as though I was thinking to myself everyday "oh the drinking is going to kill me today." I never thought that once, but my BEHAVIOR suggested that I BELIEVED that was the case. And to have a very clear moment like this.... was indescribable.

This a feeling that although, I would probably be described by friends a pretty tough male, it makes me want to cry. I'm gonna be here, and that makes EVERYTHING different.

Love to all. I hope everyone is having a good Sunday.