((((((((((Andrea))))))))) I wish I had great words of wisdom but all I can think of is that it's ok to let go of those feelings & feel them fully. Grief will come in waves, I'm guessing, along with anger.
But please don't beat yourself up with undeserved guilt over not being there sooner. Giving him the dignity of his own decisions & choices is the very best thing that you could have done, the most difficult type of respect to give.
