Oh sweetie-I'm sorry. I understand , truly, I do. I loved my husband so much-but the last few years of our marriage we went completely opposite directions-I did everything I could do to focus on me and the kids and get better-be a good and happy person again-and he got worse and worse. Even on the worst days I tried abd tried and continued to believe his words and accept his applogies. The more he drank over the years the more codependent and crazy I got-it was destined to fail without us both getting help and he chose not to. But that doesn't mean YOU should give up on living a healthy loving life-meaning giving yourself the respect and love you deserve and not relying on an addict-bc they cannot do that. They always sat fear is what holds us back. Why don't addicts choose sobriety? Fear. Fear of dealing with their issues, fear of the truth or fear of living without alcohol-I don't know. Why don't we choose recovery? Fear-and your fears are totally valid. I was afraid to stand up and say, many many years ago, it's alcohol or me-and the reason I was afraid was because I knew in my heart I would lose him if I told him to choose, so I stuck it out and thought maybe I could change his heart; I knew our love was special so of course he would never keep drinking if he knew how much he hurt me. Pfft. Typical Codie. Addiction doesn't work that way. It takes their hearts. I finally did confront my fear and he did choose to keep drinking-over me, his kids, over himself. Hun-I know you're "okay with things" but I really urge you (out of love) to think about whether he can be a partner to you-a real partner-the way he is now. Btw, re kids-my ex started spiraling slowly after our first was born-started getting drunk by himself at home and hiding it. After our second was born it was full on severe addiction. Please reconsider having kids with this man-I can promise you, as can others, it will only get worse, much worse.
Anyway, sorry for the long reply-your tears caused me some tears and deep introspection.
Peace to you and I'm so sorry for your pain. Have a blessed night.