MIRecovery

The Stacy Coin

This is my story and the story of a coin I recently gave away.

You are now in possession of the Stacy coin. The story of the coin is one of tragedy, love, triumph, and fellowship.

In January of 2014, I received a call from my 28 year old daughter Stacy, who told me she had been admitted to the hospital because of a severe persistent cough. Hours later, she called again saying a CAT scan had shown a growth in her lung. The next day we met with the doctor and received the news no parent is ever prepared to hear. My beautiful, healthy, happy daughter had stage 4 cancer with involvement in the bones, lungs, and lymph system. Her prognosis was grim with 6 months of life being their best guess.

No words can describe what goes through your mind so I will not even try other than it feels like your soul is being ripped out of your body. I experienced denial, anger and all of the stages of grief, but more than anything, a feeling of despair like I did not know existed.

As soon as the diagnosis was confirmed, I brought it to the tables and received so much good advice about turning it over to God, living in the Day, the fellowship, and prayer. The feeling of love and support was overwhelming.

After the meeting was over a good friend, who I have known for 4 years came to me and said, “I would like to give you something.” He handed me a coin and said it had been a gift from his mother-in-law and he would like me to have it. He said, “I knew dark days were ahead and maybe the coin would bring me some strength and healing.”

From that moment, the coin never left me for the next year and half.

My wonderful daughter was so very proud of my sobriety and for the next 6 months we spent time together. I lived in the day and was not consumed with worry and grief. I was able to enjoy fully the limited time we had together. The outcome good or bad was in God hands hands.

I told her that my five year sobriety birthday was coming up and that I would like her to be there. We actually laughed when she said, “The only problem is I might be dead before then.” I told her, “She was not permitted to die before the date”. We laughed again and she said that she would give it her best shot.

As my sobriety date approached, her condition deteriorated and she was put into a medically induced coma for pain control. On July 24th, 2014, I went to a morning meeting and received my 5 year coin. After the meeting I called and checked on her condition. I knew how grateful she would have been knowing I made it to 5 years. One hour later she passed away. She did give it her 'best shot' and her body gave up once I had gotten my sobriety coin. I believe from the depth of my soul she stayed alive until I made it to 5 years. Once that happened, she gave herself permission to pass to a better place.

For the next year after her passing, I went to a very, very dark place. The grief and depression were overwhelming. All I could do was put one foot in front of the other. I prayed, went to meetings, talked to my sponsor and accepted support from the fellowship of friends and loved ones. A friend from my Wednesday meeting who lost his son to cancer told me to 'hold on', that eventually things would get better as long as I didn't drink.

The days were so dark that I had forgotten what happiness felt like. I simply could not remember what feeling 'OK' was like.

Approximately 10 months after her death I had my first good day. It is hard to explain how difficult it is to deal with 10 months of agony, but through it all I knew that there was no situation a drink would not make worse. When a good day came it was like a breath of fresh air.

Over the next months I started to have more good days. I knew there would be a lot of bad days to come but that I had made it out the other side. I was scared, bruised and permanently damaged but I was alive, stronger, and sober. God did for me what I could not do for myself.

Throughout the darkest days of my life, the Stacy coin never left me and I believe that the spirit of my daughter lives on in this coin. She watches over those who possess it, and she knows how hard staying sober is on good day let alone bad days. She will not make you go to meetings, work the steps, or reach out to other alcoholics but she will be there on the dark days when there seems no hope and that life is not worth living. Just ask her to not take that 'first drink' and she will respond.

It was then I started to look for a new home for 'the coin'. My daughter will never leave me but she is a pretty ambitious woman and can handle at least a couple of people who struggle. Trust me, she will kick the ass of anyone who believes sobriety is impossible. She saw her father do it and he was one sick puppy. He lost his daughter, but he remained sober.

One day, totally by random, I saw someone who desperately wanted to stay sober but was struggling. I don't know why but I felt moved by God that this was the person and the 'Stacy Coin' needed a new home.

My only request is that the 'Stacy Coin' gets passed on with this story. There is no time limit on how long you may possess it, but you will know when you no longer need it.

If you wish to contribute your experience, strength and hope and add to the story, feel free, but please keep my original text intact so that it can be given to the next recipient of the coin.

We must give it away in order to keep it.