So today I had my worst moment yet, by far, in these 22 days.
And when I say moment, I mean about four hours. I wanted it so bad, I was literally tasting beer in my mouth and feeling carbonation on the back of my throat.
I don't even know exactly why. On the one hand, I was at a condo with my extended family, and they were all drinking (terrible) beer, but on the other hand they were drinking all weekend and this is the first time I wanted some of it.
I just felt suddenly so sensitive. I read a news story that made me remember/realize for the first time that I'll owe the government $325 because I wasn't insured this year, and suddenly that fact seemed overwhelmingly, unreasonably terrible. I begged my sister to drive home with me, but she said we had to stay and hang with the family, and that seemed to me like being trapped on a damn desert island. My brain was, in other words, being ALL dramatic, and I wanted to make it go away with beer. None of it made real sense.
I read and posted a little on here, and thought through some things. Then I got a card game started and played some cards.
Then I felt so much better, it was like I'd been overtaken by a four-hour madness.
It's so scary. I feel vulnerable, like no matter how much armor I think I've put on against cravings, no matter how much I anticipate and plan and work, there will always be a ***** somewhere. It seems so likely that some day a craving will find the *****, hit the exact right combination weaknesses so that I'm left defenseless.
I'm just scared.
Wishful thinking: Maybe this happened because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were all so thoroughly taken up by family activities that I haven't had time to do anything recovery-related in like 72 hours other than post on here. I've only been for like one run in that time, I've written nothing, I've read nothing other than SR, and I've accomplished nothing on any of my "fixing my messes" lists. So maybe that's why this happened. That would be nice to believe, because that's identifiable.
:/
Edited to add: I do know I shouldn't have been at a drinking condo, family or not. I didn't plan to be. My sister and I were supposed to go to the BEACH with family, then go home. But instead, day drinking.