helpimalive

Hi! So I wanted to share a thought I've been having lately because it's so true for me and I wanted to know if it was true for anyone else ...

I think there are some people, and I'm one of them, for whom alcohol becomes the meaning of things. For this kind of person the problem is that, when drinking, there's no space for anything else to mean something or to matter.

On a small scale, when I'm drinking at a particular event, I lose all interest in creating fun or creating connections with people. Getting another drink is the only thing that resonates as important or worthwhile. I no longer have the ability to search for other ways to engage with the event. Alcohol is not a part of the event; it's all there is.

On a larger scale, when I'm drinking, I lose interest in creating activities, setting goals, or forging connections with people, in general. Getting drunk again is the only thing that resonates as important or worthwhile. I no longer have the ability to search for other ways to engage with LIFE. Alcohol isn't a part of life, it's all there is.

Thinking about this helps me when I start to, as Dee would say, confuse abstinence for control--you know, when I have those, "I'm okay now, I can have a few drinks," kind of thoughts. Because even if I can drink moderately a time or two, I know I'll be back to seeing the whole world as empty except for the bottles. That's how I end up feeling totally shallow, worthless, and meaningless, because when I'm drinking I kind of am; there really is no meaning there. It's an illusion of meaning. And the only way to make the mirage go away is to be sober, permanently.

I just hope I don't forget this because it's so true. I can either drink, or do literally anything else. Not both.

I don't know if anyone relates to this.