Hopelessness and despair are such awful awful feelings. I can hear and feel them from this post and I can only imagine the dark pain you feel. For whatever it is worth, I am learning and working on mindfulness meditation and specifically trying to feel my pain, and then try to wrap it with as much love and affection and compassion as possible, and when I can't envision that love in myself, I try to envision the love of others wrapping my pain and holding it.. like all the wonderful amazing people on this site who have so much compassion for how you feel. So great, you can reach out and post here. And sounds like your daughter is incredible importance and value to you, and that is HUGE. Sending and wishing you to flow through this pain and it shall not be so heavy soon. even when it feels so consuming now.