Wow, all of these comments are so helpful. I think I just want everything to be ok. I feel like what it really comes down to is that he is working on himself and I need to work on me. He has moved on.
wehav2day, you are so right. He does want to shut the door on his past rather than deal with it. He does say every time he looks at me he sees pain that he caused. He says he can't heal while he's around me. "Big fat drag" was a good way of putting it, unfortunately. Never thought I'd be a "big fat drag" to someone. I need to work on my codependence and myself. I'd love to spend my life with someone who appreciates me rather than runs the other way when I walk into a room.
As far as him and AA, I need to let that go. If he isn't able to have a relationship with me I guess I can't keep comparing it to his other relationships. That's his journey. I just wish I could really get there and truly let it go.
maia1234 i have no idea if he met someone in AA who he wants to be with. I honestly don't know much of anything anymore. And I don't really believe anything either. He has lied to me for so many years. He told me the other day he doesn't even know how to tell the truth. He said he lies just to lie. He said it's a habit he can't break. I can't wrap my head around that one. It made me realize how sick he is.
My husband is the "nicest guy", "salt of the earth". People just love him as he is so sweet and kind. But he would never treat me any better than he did everyone else. I was not special. And I realize that now, as he does treat me differently than everyone else, but not in a positive way.
tomsteve, how did you work on the codie part? I need that pink crowbar wielder! I assume awareness is the answer. But I guess I need to get to the point where I really love myself and insist on more for myself than being discarded constantly. I would never want my daughter to be treated like this, not sure why i allow it for myself. Ugh, so much work to do.
SeriousKarma thanks for your kind words. "You deserve to be loved and respected by someone who is fully present." That is key. He is not present. It pains him to be nice to me. That is not a relationship. I don't want to be with someone that needs to "learn to like me."
At 49 years old, finally an empty nester, this is not what I expected my future to look like. At all. It's supposed to be "easy" now. What the heck happened!?
Thank you all for your support. Im going to an Alanon meeting on the beach this morning and am looking forward to it. Thanks for encouraging me to do that.