whatsgoingon

I've been posting on here for a few years now and in that time I've tried and failed many times to give up drinking. My biggest reason for failure is that deep down I don't think I'm an alcoholic. This is because basically I'm a secret sneaking highly functional binge drinking lying boozer who is in denial about my non standard drinking habits. I don't drink all the time but I do suffer from the occasional binge and I hide problem from everyone. I drink alone and in secret. I hide in the kitchen swigging the brandy. A sneak out the empties so my wife doesn't find out and I'm stupidly smug that I get away with it so easy. I never normally drink so much that it's noticeable I just cruise along in mild state of numbness.

Well something changed. I got caught and my lies just about brought me crashing down. I'm not as clever as I thought. It was not actually the booze hiding that got me, it was another lie that basically exposed to me and wife what a lie I'd been living.

I went camping with boys and secretly arranged to buy some weed for the trip. No big deal done it a hundred times before and never been caught. Thing is I recently bought a new iPad and what I did not realise was that it was synced with my iPhone. I did not know at the time but my wife could read every text I sent and received. Well you can guess what happened next. She saw everything and went nuts. It wasn't the fact that I was smoking weed it the fact I was lieing to her and hiding it from her. The one person in the world that actually really cares and loves me I had badly let down. This was obviously a wake call. Following the failed camping trip my wife and I talked for hours as to what made me lie and why would a forty year old father of two want to get wasted with his friends.

Well the reason I drink and occasional go off the rails is because i suffer with depression and I get very stressed. I did not realise but I was basically try to numb my senses. It was my way of coping with daily life. Exactly one month ago I went out to very posh black tie event with my wife. Very uncharacteristicly I really embarrassed myself but getting really drunk on wine. I must have had about two and half bottles to myself and was really drunk. I made a fool of myself.

The following day through a haze of pure sadness I knew I had to stop. My life was spiralling out of control. I was depressed, stressed and my life was on course to be a train wreck. It then dawned on me that rather than the booze relieving the stress and pressure what if it was actually causing it? It makes perfect sense to me. When you get drunk it does all kinds of crazy stuff to your head, what if it was making my depression worse? I decided right then I need to stop now. I don't want to lose my wife, my family, my business, my health and my sanity and for what? Booze. Is it worth it? With a choice of booze or life I'm choosing life.

So here I am one month in and alcohol free. so glad I have given up booze. I hope I can keep it going. Every morning I wake up I thank the world or the Lord that I don't drink. Sounds stupid but that's the way it feels. No more groggy head, no more guilt, no more tiredness. I obviously still feel tired but it passes, I don't feel groggy all day. I seriously believe people who suffer from depression should not drink. If it is true that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain then it makes sense that alcohol, which clearly alters the senses, will only make it more unstable. For me alcohol takes my depression to the extreme poles. It can make me really happy and energetic but it eventually leaves me feeling sad and lethargic. Alcohol messes with what is already a fragile balance in my head. At best my condition is manageable, at its worse it causes lack of motivation and momentum, procrastination and remorse. I know that going to the gym and not drinking keep the positive elements in my brain constant. Any change to this can result in the dark cloud reappearing. Exercise increases the good in your brain, sometimes when I don't exercise I feel glum.

My biggest fear is that peer pressure will lead me to drink. Weekends away with friends puts me under pressure. I feel that I don't want to spoil people fun by not drinking but why should I sacrifice my health for their pleasure? If they were good friend they'd understand. I think the only way to hammer this home is come clean and tell them that alcohol really affects me in a negative way. I've been saying it to myself for a while now that I don't enjoy alcohol like I used to. I used to like the social side of it but now it just feels wrong.

Interesting article I read today had the following line in it which read very true for me : "Several women confessed that they knew they were anaesthetising work and family worries with wine every evening, but the thought of losing that safety valve was scary" - I can relate to this. When I'm stressed or worried a few glasses of wine would make me feel numb and take the edge off. Of course in reality I was only temporarily subduing my brain and the problems, what ever they were, didnt go away. In fact the more we hide from our problems the bigger they become and this of course increases the stress, the depression and the drinking and so the cycle continues.

I feel so much better and it's no coincidence. Stopped drinking and been training as often as I can.

I hope I can keep this up. I really feel better without the booze. No fuzzy head in the morning, no feelings of guilt, worry, gloom or apathy. Booze is no good for me and serves me no purpose. It makes me tired and adds to my depression. The negatives outweigh the positives. I used to miss the social side of drinking but to be honest I just don't enjoy it anymore. The only person I drink with is my best friend John and that is so infrequent it's not worth jeopardising my sobrietory. Also if he is a true friend he will understand it. Social events such as Charity Do's, Christmas, camping and meeting up with friends don't have to involve booze. Some of my friends don't need to drink to enjoy themselves. You would never expect them to get drunk, it would be embarrassing and completely out of character. The two most successful people I know don't drink and they live their lives healthy and positive. I need to do the same. I wonder if no booze and going to the gym regularly could help my depression? Maybe these two things could fix my problem? They could raise my self esteem, happiness, confidence and energy.

Look guys, I've been coming on this site for years, every six months I embark on yet another booze free health kick but it never lasts and I never knew how to keep it going. Now I get it, I needed a why. Right now I feel I have found a reason to stop and a reason to live. I'm not naive enough to believe this is it but I'm going to give it a real good go. This time feels different, I don't want to drink and I realise what booze does to me. Thanks for reading I hope I can do it but than anything I hope that my thoughts and experience can help someone else today. Good luck everyone, stay strong and believe in yourself.