no longer reacting the same
It's taken me close to 3 years but feel I'm finally learning... Goodness I'm slow.
No matter what I say or don't say, do or don't do ...he's still going to act the way he chooses to act. The constant chaos, drama, uncertainty and conflict don't have to consume my every waking moment.
I can sit with my thoughts and feelings and they are mine. And they are real and valid and ok.
It's eye opening to see that even if I don't engage the cycle on the other side still goes on without me...but now it's like watching a storm from under a tree instead of walking in it, perhaps one day soon I will simply watch it from inside ...and then one day perhaps the storm won't hold any interest and I won't even notice it?
It becomes clearer each time how much energy was spent in a futile attempt to explain myself , trying to have my feelings or viewpoint heard/understood and truly realizing at this point I don't want to keep doing that . I won't accept being treated like crap, then being manipulated into feeling guilty for not accepting/responding to being treated like crap in an "acceptable" manner, nor do I need to feel guilty for having boundaries or disengaging.
I am getting better at just recognizing my own gut reaction and exploring that. I'm getting used to honouring my own feelings and needs and it's odd how it feels a bit selfish to just respect my own emotional limits...especially when just re identifying with those emotions and limits.
Not where I want to be yet, lots more work to do but it's nice to have some head space for life again.
It's like getting to know me and a bit odd as not sure if I'm re-discovering myself or discovering a new me.
Rambling so if you read thank you.