Originally Posted by
hopepraylove 
I have a question for those of us who are the partners/spouses of loved ones in recovery.
If you made the decision to stay after a relapse/slip, did you go to couples counseling with your spouse to address whatever happened during the relapse, or what lead up to the relapse? Or did you just leave the relapse in the past and move forward, focusing on the recovery?
Thank you for sharing your stories. I'm so grateful for this community.
For me and my AH, the only answers we have found are time and space. I mean huge amounts of time and space. He went to jail at the end of 2013. He has only been out for 2 months. We still don't live together. I just recently told him that I won't be ready to cohabitate anytime before September of next year. We are both in recovery for substance abuse. He got clean a few months before I did.
He had to lay down the law with me. I remember it clear as day. He lovingly told me he would remove me from his visit list if I didn't straighten out. He didn't call me for 3 months. He was not necessarily angry, but needed to protect himself, and me.
Couples counselling isn't about addiction. We are both in couples counselling now, and our use/sobriety hasn't been a topic of discussion yet. We talk about goals, beliefs, and behaviors. What are his goals? What are mine? How are they the same? How are they different? Wash rinse and repeat these same questions concerning priorities, boundaries, finances, and spiritual beliefs.
The purpose of our couples counselling has never ever
ever been about relapse. That is what our own individual relapse prevention classes are for. Relapse does not always involve using... Although it usually ends up there... It doesn't start there at all.
We both have individual counsellors we go to to work on our own resentments about the others past behavior.
Like I said though... Couples counselling wasn't even in the cards for us until we were both at a minimum of 1 year clean time. A year is a very long time. A lot can change.
It is difficult to "leave a relapse in the past" when there hasn't been enough time to prove that it really was a one time slip. It is a paradox I guess, because the beast is always there... Hibernating forever and ever. Addiction is immortal, it is a vampire or a dragon that cannot be slayed, only tranquilized.