My Instincts Were Right!
And thank you to everyone who supported my need to reach out with my last post about whether or not to trust my gut feeling that my abf is drinking again...
Last week I had decided to tell him that I was aware that he was drinking. I didn't give him ultimatums or tell him what to do, but in my own need to keep reality as reality I needed to bring to light what I knew.... for me. And well, after several hours of not hearing from him after I sent my text and he defensively argued with me, he finally texted me that I was right. And that he was lying to himself and that it wasn't right how he tried to go about lying to me. A few days later he went to a meeting and he enjoyed it.
Fast forward to last night and he did the disappearing act (we don't live together, but I didn't hear from at all last night; I knew something was up). At around 4 AM I get a text that says his friends left him for dead and that he had been through hell last night. I simply sent him a text explaining that sometimes the changes we need to make mean changing our "friends" as well. And then I told him I love him and sent him a link to all the AA meetings in our area.
I just wanna say this... I could on and on about his drinking or not drinking, but I am now at a place where that is NOT why I am posting. I am actually quite proud of myself. I stuck to my own personal boundary of NOT checking my phone at night and losing sleep over worrying about him. I let it on silent and didn't answer the text until I woke up this morning. I also didn't engage with anything in his text that was alcoholic thinking... such as him thinking that spending the night with me will be the answer to curtail his drinking. Instead, I sent him an AA link. And I didn't demand that he goes. I just offered it and left it alone. That's progress for me!
We have plans to go to a baseball game tonight with the kids. We also had plans to go out this morning to our favorite breakfast place. Obviously breaksfast is squashed. But not the baseball game. We'll still go....
I don't know if that's my hope or my own version of not living in reality, but I read something somewhere from a SMART Recovery website once that stuck with me and really resonated with my spirit. It's something like, when there is active drinking, detach and get out of the way. But when there is a cry for help and a step in the right direction, encourage that.... the point is to allow the good times to be good so that the alcoholic can sort out for him/herself the positive experience that sobriety can bring.
Now don't get me wrong here... I still have in mind that I can and will step away as necessary. Right now he and I don't have too many ties so that his drinking affects my life directly any more than the lies and the worrying... I am also aware that my approach has absolutely NO bearing on whether or not he is going to drink. It's not really my goal to get him to stop by going to the game tonight and "proving" to him that sobriety is better. My goal is just to enjoy the evening and appreciate it for what it is.
And that's it. Gosh... I've really come a long way. I actually woke up rested and not in knots over his drinking...
Sweet!!!