Should I Attend Meetings?
My story:
I am 43, married for 17 years, and a mother of two boys, ages 12 and 15.
My father is an alcoholic. I grew up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home. My father was violent. I was abused, my sister was abused, my mother was abused. My mother and I were abused most. My father is rigid, controlling, immature -- alcoholic.
As you can imagine, I suffered greatly in childhood and adulthood. I had all of the Adult Child characteristics. I felt like a victim for a long, long time. I didn't feel normal, my self-esteem was horrible, I questioned my behavior and my decisions. I was extremely hard on myself and I didn't know who I was or what I liked. I was a people-pleaser. I apologized all of the time. I hated my father. I blamed him. I later blamed my mother. I had anger and I had rage.
Somehow I managed to marry a man who is not an alcoholic. We had two kids. A few years ago, when I no longer could stand the anger, the rage, and the low self-worth I sought out therapy.
Before therapy, I made a lot of mistakes with my kids. Especially when they hit school age. I yelled a lot. I controlled a lot. I was depressed and withdrawn a lot. I was critical. I would isolate. I would worry a lot and I had a lot of guilt. I was hostile. I was crazy and sometimes I would shut down around my husband. I blamed him. I wanted love but was so afraid at times to give it. Most would say I was a loving, kind person but behind closed doors, I could be a mess.
Therapy and time helped tremendously. I finally learned to let go. I no longer blamed my parents. The hatred and rage lifted. I could enjoy life more and I learned to go easier on myself. I no longer care as much what people think and I am not filled with shame. I would say my shame is gone.
Life was going pretty well until recently. A few years ago I took up running. I think running helps me a lot. The exercise helps with my mood, and since I am part of a running group, it allows me to talk with my running friends. It's good for me.
My only sibling, a sister who is 40-years-old, is an alcoholic. She is actively involved in AA and in the first year of recovery/sobriety. She has a lot of self-loathing, guilt, crying jags. Her boyfriend left her a few months ago and is dating. She is searching for someone to love her. I want the best for her. I love her and will support her but we don't talk as much as we used to. I don't ignore her calls but she calls me less and I call her less. She calls me less because she is obsessed. She was obsessed with getting her boyfriend back and now she is consumed with dating. We live close to one another and occasionally we will visit but she is an emotional wreck and is trying to function, go to work, take care of her child, and date.
The reason I give all of this background is because I have been feeling miserable lately. I don't know if it's because I'm running less (the heat of August got to me and I have been slacking ever since on the frequency of my runs) or because my sister's alcoholism is dredging up old hurts and wounds that I thought were healed.
I mostly feel low self-esteem, depressed feelings, and guilt. A lot of guilt over my parenting. A lot of comparing my parenting to to other moms and other families. Feeling regretful of how I parented in the past and the present. Even though I'm not alcoholic I carried on the dysfunction in many ways. I have been feeling guilty for a long time and I have a feeling I will probably feel guilty until they are grown and gone if I don't do something. Writing this all out has been helpful for me. I feel a little better and not as hopeless.
I'm wondering if I should go to ACoA meetings or Al-Anon. I'm fearful that they will make me feel even worse. Sometimes I feel like I've made a ton of progress and just want to live my life without searching for answers or worrying about my childhood. I have always been a searcher and I've always been obsessed with self-help and "answers". Going to meetings and bringing up old pain that has been healed in many ways might not be wise. I am unsure but I do wish to parent more effectively and let go of this guilt and this feeling that it's too late.
Thank you for reading and best wishes on your journey.