Im tired...
Drinking has always been an interesting part of my life.
My parents traveled a lot when I was younger, so I threw parties pretty frequently and there was tons of booze present. I was known as "The Party Animal" (even made the yearbook superlatives) I was known for partying hard and not having a care in the world.
That all changed when I was 23. I went out for one of my favorite bartenders birthdays, free Jameo shots all night. Got behind the wheel and by doing something randomly and unknowingly illegal, was pulled over and processed for DUI. My life changed a lot then, my whole town knew pretty much immediately because I was in the paper. I was depressed, had a breathalyzer in my car, just... all around was terrible.
It was weird because I took it as a blessing. I luckily didn't kill anyone, I had been pulled over before and had gotten off free. I think that needed to happen because I drunk drove PLENTY of times before that, and since, I have not.
But I never stopped drinking. There was a two year period after where I was hiding bottles in my closet, and when my parents were at work, i would drink with some friends online-- literally ALL DAY. To me, it was fun, I never thought of it as being damaging or that this was probably the beginning of what was ultimately my alcoholism. I began getting more angry with people I loved. My parents were worried and would try to get me to think about what I was doing to myself but that only raged me more. I ended up moving out and living with a boyfriend a bit over a year ago.
Now, I have a great job and a few friends and a good boyfriend. Things are looking up. I'm 28 and I finally feel like I'm coming into my own skin. But this addiction I have is still ruining my life. At least once a week, I binge to the point of attacking my boyfriend and his character. I feel terrible the next day and Im at the point now where I even feel like I need to just remove myself from the relationship because I am toxic to him.
I want to stop drinking, I truly do. Ive gone over this whole scenario in my head, constantly. There is no good that comes from alcohol besides the social aspect and I don't need it. I'm social enough without it. But its so hard. I dunno how people can give it up completely but I am willing to try. The longest I went without drinking was a week. I started drinking a little over 10 years ago. I have suffered from depression that whole time as well. A lot more lately then before.
I need help.