Originally Posted by
Zircon 
I don't know why I expected to have a good night. They have been few and far between. My ah has been very careful about how much he's been drinking at night. I have been checking his hidden bottle, and it appears that he's been taking 5-6 large drinks of his whiskey. Actually this ( looks like quart bottle) has lasted the week, usually done in 2 days. My ah worked all day yesterday, was his last day at this job. We're supposed to be reopening his family business, but with the 2 of us as owners. He didn't come home till around 6:30. He immediately got on the phone with a son of a friend, who is about 27 yrs old. This son is a RA, who was involved a few yrs ago in a DWI, with a fatality. He is counseling this young man, and actually picking him up today for some kind of race. My ah is telling this boy, his father isn't right, and my ah has his back. This is when the trouble began. I told my ah, that he should try to come between a father and son. He hit the roof . Not only was he on the phone with this kid for over 2 hrs, when I was looking forward to some kind of evening!! I took his bottle and put it on the kitchen counter. My ah called me again all kinds of names, to include how unattractive I am, and he could have any woman he wanted.
I'm worried about this young man being with my ah. I believe part of the reason he didn't go to jail is because he is now a RA. My ah took the almost empty bottle, and I believe took it with him.
He has threatened me so many times with divorce. I'm going to find a lawyer to talk too. I want to know what my rights are. Am I wrong to worry about this young man??? When will it all stop??? Am I expecting too much?? My ah told me last night he would fight me for our dogs. I am so confused. Am I wrong??? I'm feeling like the crazy inadequate wife. This disease has no mercy, and affects every part of ones life. This disease is like no other, most conditions the person seeks treatment and recovers. Not this disease!!! It hurts so.
Dear Zircon:
The way I assess where someone is with denial and projection, or change and responsibility, is if they are aware and confronting the link between their behavior with their past relations and issues with parents. if they still have "mommy issues" or "daddy issues" they are in the dark about, then the patterns will continue. The people I know who have broken free and made change not only are aware, but confront these issues with forgiveness and courage to change for the better. There is no mistaking or faking this! People are either in denial and projecting blame on others; or if they are aware and taking responsibility they are HUMBLED by the task, and learn not to judge others because they are focused on their own part of the problem.
For this man to blame you and try to belittle you as a defense mechanism is clearly denial and projection. Very immature, and unless you are a professional counselor, you are not paid enough to provide therapy to guide this man through the process. He is still not aware of his patterns, so this will continue in cycles. Steer clear if you cannot afford the time, energy and expense this will cost you.