Hi, Mary.
I am sorry you are going through this.
I certainly can relate to what you feel because I was suicidal at some point, and, honestly, "those" that haven't left me completely yet.
I know the pain. I know that kind of pain when every cell inside the body hurts, when something beyond what I can recognize hurts ( I am strongly not religious, so I deliberately avoid saying "soul" here). And since it's impossible to grasp this what hurts, it's easier to harm my physical body, distract pain there, and deal with physical pain - because I know how.
Been there, Mary, way too many times, and still no guarantee or immunity against this recurring pain.
Anyway...
I absolutely second all the advice above.
And I will add my 2 cents too.
As scary, and dark, and terrifying this feeling is, it can be liberating in some way.
As I see it these thoughts occur when the life becomes so painful that there is no escape other than into Unknown.
And that means that there is time for change. And that Unknown can be something other than leaving this life.
It can be letting go. Of all the worries. Just for today. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow. And what if I am gone tomorrow? No worries, no ifs, no need to drag ugly luggage of the past there. Tomorrow all the score of life will be zero.
And, somehow, from this point of view, lots of pain goes away. And when you give yourself this "sneak" into this freedom, it gives hope, and shows a new way to live.
I don't know, if it makes any sense at all. It just what helps me at the moments when I don't care about anything but escape from unbearable pain.
Give TODAY a chance - pain doesn't live here.
Hugs and good vibes to you, Mary.
Hang in here - this place is awesome. It would take me a book of "the Forsyte Saga" volume to tell about all the times folks here helped me.
Stay here. Stay sober.