itllgetbetter

Hi all – First post here, so please excuse the length! I want to thank you in advance because I’ve already found great advice, consolation, and insight from the stories you all have shared.

I am an only child (early 30s), and my mother is an addict. My parents have done everything possible to keep this addiction a secret from everyone, especially me. Although the addiction started before I was born, my parents did not tell me about it until about 5 years ago. No one in my extended family knows.

I was fortunate to grow up an incredibly loving environment – my parents had (and have) a strong, stable marriage, and they did everything possible to support me. In short, the three of us were very, very close until the addiction really came to light to me.

In my early 20s, I started seeing signs of the addiction: slow and slurred speech, trouble walking, laughing/speaking out of context. There were a few especially scary incidents where she passed out on the floor, totally unresponsive.

My parents are both in denial about this being an “addiction.” There is also major codependency, and my dad is a huge enabler (shields her from consequences of her addition, etc.).

What I’m really struggling with is that she’s seemingly normal and high functioning most of the time. For many years, I tried to just accept the good stuff (love, guidance, etc.) when she could offer it and then detach when she was using to excess. (I say “using to excess” rather than “using” because I think she “uses” every day. In other words, her baseline normal is still using.) However, I have realized in the past year that riding this roller coaster through periods of normalcy followed by chaos where her addiction is very apparent is just not healthy for me. I feel like I’ve been slapped/kicked in the face when she portrays a façade of calm and happiness one minute and then is stumbling and incoherent the next.

I’ve started confronting her when I suspect she’s using to excess. Although she once admitted to having a problem (which she later retracted), confronting her generally triggers a chain reaction of anger, denial, and defensiveness from her and my dad. Her MO is a combination of: 1. deny (“I can keep it under control”), 2. justify (“it was the 60s when I started—everyone was doing it”), 3. self-victimize (“you’re so tough on me and I’ve been trying so hard not to overdo it”), or 4. deflect (“it’s like you’re the police; stop monitoring me all the time”). My dad’s MO is to back her up whatever she says and then whenever she has an “episode” he’ll say to me “don’t mention this to her.” As you can imagine, this has put a huge strain on my relationship with them.

Within the past few weeks I’ve basically cut all ties with my parents, which has been devastating to me. We used to talk at least once a day – if not two or three times a day – and see each other frequently (we live very close).

At this point I’m trying to determine whether I want to give them an ultimatum that unless she actually seeks help, I wont’ have a relationship with them. I’ve read about ultimatums on the forum, and I know how crucial it is to hold up the “or else” end of the bargain. Even though I really want off the roller-coaster, I’m conflicted because I miss them very much and I know that the odds of her actually getting help are super low given that (1) the addiction has been going on for 40ish years (2) my parents are both in denial. In other words, I'm wondering whether I should kick a lot of good stuff to the curb just because there's some bad -- really bad -- stuff.

I’m in a 12-step program and am trying to build a friend network for support, but it’s still an everyday battle to overcome this paralyzing sadness/depression. I’m also experiencing a budding sense of abandonment and rejection. Even though I’ve told my parents it’s best not to have contact at this point, I guess I was hoping that they’d insist on reaching out to show that they’re there for me. Alas, no such luck.

If anyone can relate or share any insights/experience, I would so appreciate it. One thing I’ve learned in program is that I’m not alone, which is truly a gift. THANK YOU!!