Wonderful advice in this thread! Zircon, thank you for posting. Take whatever helps from this forum, and the rest you can ignore or store.
Stepping away from rights and wrongs was a turning point for me. Somewhere along this journey I started looking at things as potentially healthy or unhealthy.
His relationship with RA doesn't set off any red flags. Your expectations and judgements may be playing a large role in your pain. You're expecting a lot from someone who is very ill. The expectations of a business partnership, of attention, judgments of how much he's drinking or what his relationships should look like.
I've had so many of the same expectations and judgments... plus many, many more. With becoming willing to go to Alanon meetings, slowly a flood-gate opened and I cried and started feeling all the fears and feelings I'd stuffed down for a very long time. It amazes me how many people in the program understand me in ways I've never understood myself, and that they give me all the time I need to learn, process things, and grow. Baby steps are a good thing. We can learn what we're ready to, when we're ready.
I also had been putting even more judgements and expectations on myself. I wasn't aware of most of it. This was more harmful to me than the level of alcohol ever was.
Even getting sober didn't solve any of our problems, because I was bringing plenty to it and neither of us were serious about our own recoveries. Alcohol helped to normalize my husband's brain, until that stopped working. My obssesive thoughts about my husband, my need to do for others and fix others, that was my own drug of choice. It also worked, until it stopped working for me. Recovery is a journey. I have seen active alcoholics and those in recovery work together in different ways, and am letting go of expectations of how life is supposed to work. My best thinking didn't solve my problems, and it's not going to solve theirs.
Now I'm finding peace, happiness, self-love and self-worth.