Congrats on 2 weeks Rio
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Cloel, there's not much to understand about addiction really - it's a very primal basic 'gimme' kind of reaction.
Until I found alternatives to deal with whatever I was feeling, I drank because I had no other tools.
I have various kinds of abuse in my past too.
If it's tough getting in to see someone there are a number of helpline/counselling places you can call and speak with someone over the phone - most countries have them...there are also forums dedicated to surviving sexual abuse, like Pandoras:
Pandora's Aquarium
There's no need for anyone to wait to start a new life
Get some other tools - learn to use them - and you'll have a real choice, some real options the next time you come to that crossroads
Everyone is terrified to look into their own darkness, but it helps to have people around you holding your hand
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welcome to the thread Dazee - and congrats to everyone hitting milestones today!
D