halfpint621

I apologize in advance for this might be slightly lengthy but I feel a slight introduction / back story is necessary.

I am 27 years old a mother of one brand new baby girl and a step mother to two great boys. I had always been a very social drinker and honestly prided myself in being able to drink most men double my size "under the table" and then grown up life hit in 2011. I was diagnosed with Lupus SLE and that changed my life for the worse before it got better.

At 22 my life changed drastically -- knowing the path I wanted to take my life had suddenly been changed by something I could not control and that was the problem. I no longer had control over many aspects of my life and I was unsure how to move forward with my life. A week before my college graduation I was diagnosed with Lupus SLE .. an autoimmune disease and one of those great diseases that not much is known about, affecting everyone differently and no real knowledge of how it can progress from one day to the next and of course no cure. I went into a deep depression -- everything I knew I wanted to do with my life was now "bad for my health" and I had no idea what I was going to do.

I turned to drinking and as time went on prescription pain pills as well. They were very easily attainable because of my illness... I struggled for a long long time spiraling out of control -- the relationship I was in at the time turned very toxic and unhealthy. So the increase of my drinking and pill taking increased and I was on a path of destruction. After talking with an Aunt and getting into a Lupus support group and lots of praying I had come to a crossroads where instead of going down I decided to go up... I ended my relationship, moved back home with my parents and started focusing my time and energy on my nephew and work.

The short of that even longer story I threw away all pills prescribed to my name and stopped drinking, started playing kickball and became a junkie at that playing about 5 days out of the week depending on the time of year.

It was there I met my now fiance -- Most people at the kickball fields were social drinkers -- I knew the road I had been on so I stayed away. I am not against nor do I shy myself away from seeing / hanging out with social drinkers unfortunately in today's world this would be nearly impossible. So when we first met it didn't bother me I was at a point in my life where I could say no to alcohol and not allow others to pressure me into having one (usually leading to way to much).

Me and my finace started dating -- there was a point early on that we did start drinking together and although I was happy at this point in my life I had to step away again and quit... where I thought I could have a few here and there was okay I soon realized that it wasn't that easy and got refocused again. We soon began living together and then is where I realized that he too had a drinking problem. By this point emotionally I was already in too deep with him.

Another long story short -- we ended up pregnant at the end of 2014 - found out in December. Because of some fights and outbursts he had been trying to cut back as well. Of course I wanted him to quit altogether but I know that can't be done until he was ready.

In January he got drunk and totaled my car on his way to get me from work... On the busiest highway in Austin at the busiest time of the day he passed out hitting someone on the passenger side of the car ricocheting into an 18 wheeler. He should have died.

I was very emotional because we were starting a family together and of course wanted and want him around for our daughter. He said he was done drinking and ready to quit and of course I was there to support him and help him in what ways that I could.

Now 9 months later and some hiccups along the way I THOUGHT he was doing a good job. Like I said he had some hiccups and maybe a handful of days it was CLEAR he was drinking while I was working and he was off at home. But like with any addiction I knew / know the temptation is always out there. Hell everytime I see a nice cold margarita its calling my name but I plug my ears.

He has been having some health issues and I have been pushing him to go to the doctor... he has chalked it all up to his job and him being tired. He works a very physical demanding job and puts in between 55-65 hours every week so of course that is a very plausible reason. After a fight last night he came clean this morning that he has been lying to me about his "soberness". He has been drinking more days than not behind my back -- he will go to the liquor store because "liquor is quicker" and have a few while he runs to the store.

I know he goes through a lot of emotional distress because of his boys being gone (they live in another state with his ex wife and though he gets to see them it is not nearly enough time that a father should get to see his kids) and uses it as his crutch to get away from his emotions for a while. I do not believe threatening him with walking away is or will change anything (that is what his ex wife did and it clearly changed nothing) or telling him to do it for his daughter or anything like that because from experience I also know that until HE is ready to REALLY give it up its a war I cannot win.

I have gone through my own issues with alcohol and prescription pills and I fight with it every day but I now have a little life that depends on me and that alone is motivation enough for me to never touch either again. Stressed out times always brings back the urge but again I have a bigger purpose and reason now.

So my dilemma here is as he has dropped this bomb of lying to me for the past I guess 9 months (unsure but doesn't really matter) I feel played , betrayed, hurt, pissed .. just a plethora of emotions. Part of me wants to just leave but I know its not what I really want and its just the initial gut reaction cause I am pissed but I do not know where to go from here.

I need help finding a healthy and supportive way to get through this to be able to maintain my sanity, my sobriety and be the supportive partner that I need to be in order for him to want to get better. I am just so unsure of how to start this journey...