Happiness
I am happy today, but not because I'm faking it or forcing it or convincing myself that I am a happy person anyway so it just fits my personality. I am happy because I am free to be me. Because I worked hard to discover who I am and what I want and what I don't want. Because I took the steps to leave a 23 year relationship of craziness with no job, no recent work history for myself, etc.
I have LOTS of ups and downs. Days where I am near tears fretting over how I will pay my bills next year or whether I should trade in my car or refinance the one I have or move into a cheaper rental..etc....etc. But, my financial fears and worries today are nothing compared to what I was fearing and worrying about over 1 year ago and for the past few decades.
I love my life today and wouldn't trade it for anything. So, for those of you who are struggling, who are wondering when the pain stops (I know there's a sticky above on this topic too), who want to know how to press forward, I want to let you know that there are others here who have been where you are. I was a basket case, a mess of indecision, I had my priorities all screwed up. But, somehow, I found peace and I found serenity and then I found freedom. And, with that freedom came a price to pay and it was called financial insecurity and sometimes even loneliness. I wouldn't trade it for anything!
One year ago, my life looked very different. Today, I have a decent job(they pay sucks but it has insurance and I'm getting good work experience), my son is doing so much better with counseling and Al Anon, I have a great set of friends who I can call and they will support me and love me right where I'm at, and I have a wonderful boyfriend who is NOT an addict/alcoholic or emotionally stunted or immature.
I have learned how to set boundaries, how to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean. I have learned to ask for what I want in relationships without fearing abandonment or abuse. In my current relationship I have been able to ask him for what I want, tell him that he hurt my feelings, and tell him he made me angry without fearing his response. The funny thing is, it always works out. There is no drama, he listens and responds and sometimes wonders why I waited to talk about stuff. I am learning one day at a time that my happiness is an inside job. A program friend of mine in another state told me recently that I give off a vibe and that vibe attracts people to me. Honestly, I think my vibe is program in action, patience, and willingness to let God's work in my life unfold, the giving up of control of that which I cannot control. That has brought me peace, but certainly not perfection.
Hugs and love to all of you today!!!