Oh god yes, I used to be exactly like that. DD & I JUST talked about this on the way to school this morning. Where she doesn't clamor for the spotlight she has zero problems stepping into it. She's pursuing it slowly, baby-stepping into chorus & theater now that she's feeling academically strong. At that age, I would've preferred to crawl into a hole in the fetal position & play possum. The anxiety over having to perform in any way would paralyze me for weeks ahead of time.
I know it has to relate to my ACoA parts because it's been around since so early in my life. I was not at all comfortable rocking the boat or drawing attention to myself unnecessarily. Having to work with assigned partners or participate in public speaking exercises in school was insanely stressful, even manifesting physically at times. I couldn't ever get comfortable because I didn't have a touch point for normal for *me* like that - I went through life {at those ages} feeling like I was walking on eggshells one minute & a high wire the next. The safety net came & went, morphing constantly.
It is 180 degrees different for me now. I just am so much more in touch with myself & have an acceptance of the fact that I WILL make mistakes in life. As long as I do my best to prepare, support, take accountability, "do better when I know better", etc then Let It Go, Move On.
Dealing with people? They're JUST PEOPLE. At this point in life I've dealt in relationships of all kinds with people from ALL OVER the map in every way & at the end of the day, people are people. No better or worse than myself, no higher or lower in value. We create our own value in the intangible, immeasurable ways of our own moral behavior. The closer I get to knowing & liking & loving myself, the less I care about what other people think & more willing I am to step into that spotlight. Now, I rely on this in my daily working life. I interact with people on all sides of the socio-economic spectrum in my job - networking, marketing, client & prospecting meetings, professional alliances, team-building exercises at conferences with absolute strangers. Bring it on. I am comfortable in my own skin, even when I'm nervous - like before a BIG presentation.
I have 2 go-to thoughts that I conjure when my nerves are in the Driver's Seat:
1st is the voice of my BFF from when we were so very much younger & I was intrepid about putting myself out there saying, "What are they gonna do?..... Take away your birthday???" I laughed so hard the 1st time she said that to me that it lodged in my brain, I think. It reminds me of the ridiculousness of being nervous in those situations AND how fleeting the moment really is - I spend far more time being anxious before & after than during the Event Itself.
The other is something I picked up from DD's drama coach when she was 6 - he reminded them that nerves are GOOD. Nerves are NORMAL before every performance. It was FEAR that wasn't ok. He told them to close their eyes & do a "gut check" & ask themselves, "Am I
nervous or
scared?"