enoughsenough

I started having a problem at 18 years old, just after my mum died, and I had a new born baby. Now my daughter is 17 and its still there, Ive always drank 4 - 5 nights a week, last week I went a whole week, didnt shake or anything, so I tell myself well I cant be that bad! But over the weekend I drank nearly a whole bottle of bacardi. I dont drink during the day ever! Another way of telling myself I have it under control! I know this is me kidding myself! Now after one night of no alcohol, Ive bought a bottle of wine....... I have like a burning ache in my head, I want a drink, but I know I shouldnt, I know that it makes me not as good at my job (im starting my second year of training to be a nurse), thought doing something with my life proves i dont have a problem too! So many years Ive spent promising myself and those I love that I will stop. and yet here I still am! I cant imagine life without it, I cant see anything as fun without it! My two eldest children have noticed what an issue it is, and are begging me to stop, it must have a massive hold on me to still drink when my own children feel like that! What kind of mother does that make me!!!! Im sick of this, I dont know who I am, im sick of feeling ill, Is life really good without it? It helps me with anxiety, it helps me with confidence, it helps me with the pain I feel from all the ppl Ive loved and lost.