honeypig...
Thank you so much for this post. It reinforces a decision I made a week ago regarding my husband (sober 8 months).
We have been in marriage counseling for close to 6 months. In that time, a lot of issues have been brought to the surface. Many discussions. I, like most others on the forum, found myself stuck in cyclical communications - I would express my anger/hurt (in a calm, non-confrontational way), he would become defensive due to his abandonment issues (subtle control/manipulation, blame), I would reassert myself and back and forth we would go. No moving forward, only more hurt and disappointment. His defensive comments were like poison darts (a term my therapist used). It was accurate. It's difficult to heal under those circumstances.
So, I took a step back, assessed the situation and made a decision. I would break the cycle so that I could heal. I did it for me, not him. It's worked like a charm. I see everything so much more clearly. I have started to heal. And, I have started to tackle everything from a position of strength, knowledge and awareness.
A side note. A surprising twist...my husband has started to become more open and vulnerable. I see more humility. More ownership for his words and actions. It might only last a week, month, or whatever, but I think I might have finally gotten a glimpse of what true recovery might look like.
In the meantime, I continue to sit back, wait to see what unfolds and move forward with caution.