Aellyce

Okay this will be long and I guess I wrote this post also for myself as an attempt to review some things but I hope you find something in it for yourself.

I was that way also for most of my life: reluctant to seek help and support other than from doctors when I was sick enough (sometimes, not always even then). What ended that pattern and started a quite different way of living (albeit slowly) for me was experiencing a very nasty major depressive episode about 2.5 years ago that rendered me literally dysfunctional even on the most basic daily chores level -- pretty much a textbook episode of the severe variety. Still, I would not seek help but rather drink myself into it further, dig and dive deeper into the darkness and self-destruction with some insane idea that it's yet another thing I am curious about and must see first hand. That some sort of unique and unprecedented knowledge would be revealed to me through those thoughts and experiences, that I am learning profound lessons about life and human existence. Well, in a way I was I guess... learning about madness for sure. What I call "depression" here wasn't the kind of depression many people describe as being flat, not feeling anything, having no motivation -- it was that only in the sense that I had no interest in any decent thing and activity. Mentally, it was constant hyperactivity and restlessness, extreme anxiety and agitation, thoughts and feelings racing all over the map with such speed at times that it became impossible to express them in any linear and comprehensible form (and I am usually good at expression). Floating in this crazy fantasy world, while physically most often not wanting to move any more than what lying in my bed with the laptop requires, pretty much out of touch with the rest of reality, and I did not feel I missed those "external" domains of reality at all, or only vaguely. And I would pull other people into this crazyland, often very efficiently I must say. I'm not proud of that at all in retrospect, but at the time I had those grandiose ideas that my apparent "success" with what I perceived as very meaningful interactions demonstrated that if anyone, I knew a thing or two about depth and intimacy. Of course if I honestly look at the kind of company I had during those times, it's quite revealing in itself and clearly mirrored my own mentality.

Even recalling all that feels disturbing now, but I never found it concerning back then, from the inside. I also felt somewhat similarly sometimes in early sobriety, but nothing even close to the extent of the drunken or hangover versions, also my sober "spells" never lasted more than a day or max two. I wrote about these here on SR a few times, both on the public board and in PMs with specific people. Thankfully, all that seems to be gone from my mind now and it has been that way for many months now. It did take ~a sober year for me to truly get to a better place and have the ability to experience myself and life in a whole different way, but this feels quite stable now and very real. So with this experience, I am completely in the camp that says recovery takes time and a lot of active (not only mental) work, and it's a gradual process where sometimes progression comes in bursts and other times slowly and almost invisibly. What I am suggesting here, Jeff, is that it's quite likely you will experience these dark moments and days many more times before things get truly better, and it will only become significantly better if you put down the drink for good. Picking up, even if only occasionally and in low quantity, can only hinder the process even if you don't feel that way in the moment.

Back to the face-to-face support. Yes it's hard to reach out in the first place in the 3D world, to be present and vulnerable in a wholesome way. There are judgments and stigmas everywhere, and I think many of us actually tend to seek out the wrong people who only exacerbate our insecurities, often because we instinctively look for the familiar. Finding the right kind of help is definitely a challenge and probably most often takes a bit of trial and error in the beginning -- it definitely did for me. It's a very worthy trial though especially if we find support that can be maintained in the long run and used consistently. For me, it started with the depression (or whatever we want to call it) I described above, when I got to a point that I could not carry out almost anything normally, had zero motivation, and there was no way to hide it anymore from others. I consider myself extremely lucky because it was some of my colleagues who came to my rescue at first, and I kept rejecting them for a while until I just had no choice anymore. They never gave up on me. Don't think they did it from pure good will and compassion, the primary reason was probably because we were bound in some work projects together that I had originally initiated, and my self-destructiveness became destructive on them and their progress as well. Instead of getting rid of me, they decided to help by doing my part of the work and then encouraging me to do something to change things in my life on a regular basis. It took me a few more months and other sad and disturbing events to finally get sober and start to seek help more actively, but I did it and will never regret the decision.

Once again, in my experience, nothing replaces 3D world interactions with dependable others and the opportunity for complex communication and understanding direct contact can offer. It took me a while also for this to truly sink in. So what kind of support? There are many discussions about possible sources here on SR. For me, it's a couple close friends, now my partner, and a therapist that I appreciate beyond what I could express in words. I also go to AA meetings sometimes when I feel the need, mostly for the company and interaction. I still find that deep and meaningful human relationships are very important to me, but it's an entirely different kind of depth from the one I experienced as a drunk and in the midst of my distorted madness in the past. Other than that, it's following my interests and my inner inspirations in creating the kind of life I cherish and that reinforces my motivation in turn.

You know, it happens that things we found valuable in the past somehow lose that value with time, it's not a tragedy but normal part of being human, I think. It also happens that this apparent loss of meaning and interest occurs temporarily. All that happened to me as well, many times in my life in fact. Sometimes the best thing is to persevere and try to figure out the true source of the change or getting stuck, other times moving on and creating something new may be the best course of action. And often it's not clear in the beginning at all, which will be the best course of action.

I do have the impression about you in the limited form these online interactions allow that you crave something deeper and more meaningful in your life that what you perceive around you right now but don't really know how to go about it. One important thing to remember, imo, is that those things you once appreciated and followed passionately are not without value at all, they were probably very meaningful for you at some point, and it's great that you did those things instead of just dreaming about them. But you know, life is not a straight line, we change and evolve over time, and sometimes the development is not forward but is "decorated" with phases of regression. My view is that there is nothing wrong to feel darkness, sadness, desperation, anguish etc sometimes -- these moments can often serve our personal development better than anything if we learn to ride the current instead of getting lost in them.

My suggestion is that you find a sustainable solution to your drinking issue while working on all those other things you desire changed. And achieving change can be immeasurably more efficient with the right kind of trust, acceptance and support -- I think most of us learn this in the hard way, and there is nothing wrong with that either as long as we do learn and can step forward in ways that constructively align with our values at a given time.