Wow. What an amazing post.
I can relate, Upwards. I was brought up Catholic combined with much screaming and violence. Standard West Auckland upbringing :-) My heart ached reading about how you felt after that experience. And the image of you looking down at your Vans.....have you ever thought of writing as part of a career? Like journalism or something else? You seem to have a bit of a gift. I also got caught up as a young adult in a Mad Max version of Christianity - lol. (There are other versions though, if you still love Christ).
What I would say about your last paragraph, which makes perfect sense, is that from my own experience it has taken all my life to work on appreciating that 'God' expects nothing of us and loves us unconditionally. I think our religious backgrounds have conditioned us into that way of thinking. You are not selfish, only human, and as humans we have fears. It's just a part of it.