Notes for tomorrow..
This was hopefully my last night practicing for a while. I wanted to commit a few thoughts to refer back to in 18 hours when I'm fighting myself.
So hey you,, you went out tonight, begrudgingly, because of the feeling of a lack of anything else to do and the desire for company. Right? Remember that?
10 minutes after you were there, seated next to the same 5 people you've wasted 5 years of liver tissue sitting next to... you didn't even want to be there. and you stayed for 90. They are acquaintances, not friends, and all but one are problem drinkers or worse themselves. And one of them you can't even stand being around anymore.
Can you talk to any of them about anything that really matters? No. Not a chance. These are not friends. These are time killers. An excuse to do your thing in the guise of "Not being Alone"..
Guess what. If your world is defined by these people, you are alone.
Avoid them. Go away. Do your own thing. You wont hear from them. And that's a good thing.
You wasted 5 years building dysfunction because of a poison. So you built nothing. When you say to yourself.. I will be alone for a year before it gets better.. it sounds awful.. and insurmountable.. But if you had done that 5 years ago you'd be 4 years past it.
What a vile substance that it can delude you into thinking the only way you can ever be happy is to continue a lifestyle that dictates you will be miserable... and to kill yourself slowly.
Lay on the couch. Eat something. Yes it's and you and 4 walls. Today. And yes tomorrow. And yeah let's be realistic, next week and whatever.. But not forever. Unless you don't stop. Then forever is just around the corner.