honeypig

So lately I've been noticing a number of things that I do that I have no reason of my own for doing.

A few days ago I closed the door to the bathroom so the dogs couldn't go in there. Then as I walked down the hall, I thought "I don't give a $hit if the dogs go in the bathroom, that was all XAH's thing...", so I went and opened the door! And I haven't closed it since! I don't know that there was ever really any reason, since the dogs don't care much about going into the bathroom anyway, but since XAH made a production of it, I just shut the door to keep the peace.

I often find I'm thinking "gosh, I've been on the computer for quite a while, I better get off or XAH will be annoyed." Then I realize I don't have to worry about whether I'm spending "too much time on the computer"--there is no one to judge that but me! And it was never like he needed to use the computer himself, he simply felt he deserved more attention and had the right to pout or have a hissy fit or whatever if something else was taking up what was rightfully "his".

I no longer have to check to make sure the blinds are exactly at the same height when I raise them in the AM; I no longer have to fret if a kitchen cupboard door or drawer is ajar by 1/16 of an inch (old farmhouse, nothing is straight, square or level).

I'm beginning to see habits and behaviors that I do that are not mine--they are all about him and his obsessions about certain things (and obsessions is not too strong a word, I don't think). I have to imagine there are plenty of thought patterns in my head that are not mine either, but those are not quite as obvious to see.

We don't even know where we were until we start to get to someplace different...