gcolema.....While I was going through the same stage you are now with a relationship that broke up...I was the medical co-ordinator of the drug and alcoholism program. The go between the departments of medicine and psychiatry (as a physician assistant).
He wasn't an alcoholic--but, the grieving process was the same. I was a hot mess!
In front of patients, families, etc. I had on my game face---but, I always wondered--what if they knew that I was m ore of a mess than they were. I had a small mirror on the wall of m y office where I could redo my eye make up after crying (with the door locked).
I remember that one morning, on the way to work...I stopped for coffee at a convenience store...and the clerk said some kind words to me...and I broke down at the counter, just sobbing.
I started reading books about "letting go" and listened to Prince's song--"Purple
rain" over and over....(my teenaged children finally hid the tape from me).
And I read my list of "bad stuff" until it was shreaded.
I was lucky that my work and the house and the kids afforded me a lot of automatic structure--but, the grieving felt ever present--waiting just below the surface. And yet, except for a few "insiders"...few people would have guessed that I was bleeding on the inside.
It was the worst break-up that I had ever been through. I would say that it took me a good 6months to get through the acute part...until I could go for days without thinking about it.
I understand that these days are a b**** to get through.
I can promise you that it won't be like this forever.....but, I know that you probably can't imagine that, just now.....
dandylion