Dang y'all are hitting the nail on the head left and right for me! It's all those things, growing up feeling like a bad, unwanted thing. Feeling most alive on the edge of destruction. Always having the mental escape hatch of suicide.
I'm grateful I have barely had those escapist thoughts of death in the past few weeks. But, there's still a f$#* it attitude beneath the surface that will cancel my plans to sit at home and eat iced cream. I'm afraid of the long haul: a full life lived on life's terms. I cannot picture myself 10 years from now, even 5 years from now, even 3...
But I'm not going to be where I was a year ago. I'm going to keep pushing forward. Thanks for this thread.