Originally Posted by dunkelheit

Okay, first of all, I have severe, untreated borderline personality disorder, which is why my fiance left me in the first place. I'm really unpredictable, so I can go from fine, to psychotic rages in an instant. I don't even know if I am actually in control of my actions or not.

I'm finding it really difficult to live with my ex, but I have nowhere else to go. He's a really nice guy and he proposed to me 6 months after meeting me. Last night he brought me a coffee and we started talking, but then things went downhill fast. We ended up fighting, and I had my knife in my pocket, so I pulled it on him. I kept on demanding he call the cops, but he put my mom on speakerphone instead. I kept telling her to **** off, shut the **** up, I wish I was never born because I'm ****** in the head etc. He ended up disarming me and I started crying, telling him he abandoned me. Then I calmed down and went to bed, while the ex went to stay at his mom's place for who knows how long.

I've had this kind of crushing depressed feeling all day. I'm alone in this empty apartment. I just want him to come home, and for things to be back to the way they were before we broke up. I don't know why I have to destroy my relationships with everyone.

I'm also secretly having sex with one of my male friends just for some kind of feeling of affection. It's completely meaningless, and a lot of hard drug use, but if I'm depressed or bored, I get really self-destructive and suicidal. I mixed benzos, alcohol and cocaine last week, and I ended up passing out on my other friend's balcony.

I was in and out of mental hospitals pretty much all year, and every time the cops come over to pick me up, I end up fighting them. I punched a cop in the face last year, threatened to cut all their faces off, had my knives confiscated etc.

I asked my current psychiatrist for a referral to someone who actually knows what they're doing, but she said to give her a month. I told her I wanted a male therapist this time because I thought all her **** was lame and I wanted a more no-bull**** approach.

Anyone else ever get this bad?