Originally Posted by
TroyW 
Thanks Frickalap, nice post, and I'm glad you made it. Sorry to hear about how things went, especially the sexual molestation -- that's just one of those things that should never happen under any circumstances.
I can relate with the "feral" thing though. That's me too. My mom will always say I was a "surprise", but in reality, I was an accident that happened after a few too many beer during a NHL play off game. They only wanted two kids, not three.
Yeah...
Yeah Troy, I was the same. After I became an adult, my mom told me that they had planned for only one child but she loved the attention she had gotten when she was pregnant with my sister so much that she stopped using her diaphragm so she could get pregnant with me. That explained why I always felt a ton of resentment from my father and my older sister. I was the extra mouth to feed he had never wanted and the sibling my sister never should have had, taking all the attention away from her. Even though no one talked about it, and she never knew that story, the dynamic was clearly there.
It was incredibly selfish of my mom to do that and perhaps wrong of her to tell me, but it also gave me so much insight into our family dynamic that I am forever grateful she did.
Self destructive? You bet. Living as the unwanted child made me always feel like I didn't belong anywhere and I behaved accordingly. I've drifted along in life, never making much in the way of long term plans and always having the idea of taking myself out of my misery tucked in the back of my mind. It's the ultimate comfort to know that if things ever get really bad I can fix it all with the click of a trigger or the kick of a chair below the noose. Most of the time I don't think about these things, but they reside inside me like a deep, dark guest. Not sure I will ever be able to change that.