Thank you everyone it really is great to have people around that know exactly what I'm talking about.
I really don't want to get worse, I sometimes think I just haven't hit my rock bottom yet but what will that be? Do I really want to find out. The logic in me says it's time to stop, I guess it's the addictive voice telling me I'm not that bad yet and I can keep this thing under control.
It's so so hard when the main thing you've used in life to de stress, cope, socialise, celebrate etc is drink ... i look at people that don't drink and think ..... how do you do it???