Originally Posted by zenchaser

Thanks for welcoming me back folks!

My relationship with alcohol is complicated. And I really don't like being told what to do, even by myself. A Big Plan just seems so final and black and white. I guess I'm just not ready to make that kind of commitment. Or at least I don't feel like my problem is so great that it needs to demand that. Or maybe I'm kidding myself? I'm sure that many of you would think that I am. I'm still stuck in the "I can control it, damnit!" stage.

I think I'm bad for comparing myself to others who I see as being worse than I am..... the illogical part of that is that I don't compare myself up against non drinkers because then I might have to feel like I'm doing something wrong right? I also measure myself by the fact that I have a decent job and own things and have happy nice kids and a boyfriend who's one of the good ones.

There have been times where my drinking was a LOT worse than it is right now..... after I got divorced and I was so lonely and licking my wounds from that. After my nephew died. Last summer when I was laid up on the couch everyday, I was drinking everyday before noon. But I've always been able to check myself. I never really let it go though.

The truth is that I can't actually envision myself as a non drinker. I've been partying since I was 13. I don't actually want to put in the work required to recreate my life..... too much work and I don't want to be lonely because I won't have any friends I can hang with, or go to meetings and cry and dig up my trauma. And honestly when the cravings get bad I fold like a cheap suit. Every time. It seems easier to just accept that this is who I am.

Sorry this is more like a diary entry lol!