Therapy works, but you have to participate in it. It's hard. Despite how messed up I am and became, I firmly believe I would be dead at this point had I not had a therapist. I've been talking with her for a very long time. I'm quite sure the money is more than worth it. There have been so very many things that I've learned. I wouldn't be able to understand how to be sober if I hadn't seen her for, like I said, a LONG time first. I had no ability with what I understood about life, to surrender to anything at all, including admitting that I had ever been powerless to anything. It's a serious abuse issue. And moving on, and on, and on. I initially went to see her because I was upset that I had engaged in violence that could have very easily killed someone I loved (good thing I missed). Many years later, it paid off.
Today is five weeks sober. It's also the beginning of the second very busy month at work. Within the next three weeks I'm crossing the country east to west coasts three times. (USA). And pulling lots of late nights. The next few nights I have to be up. Can't believe I used to do this kind of stuff while drinking. I've noticed subtle changes in how I perceive "normal". If I don't get at least 7-8 hours of sleep now, I am downright cranky. Two months ago, it was par for the course. My stomach feels totally different. I thought I was just getting older, but apparently it was booze. It's hard to explain, but there was a feeling in my stomach, that's gone now. And as an almost lifelong vegetarian, I'd never experienced acid reflux until this year and last year. And that's gone now, too. And, I'm not gassy anymore. It's really great to feel so much better.
This time is clicking better, I think, but I'm very leery. I know that I don't want to drink. I don't want to feel what it does to me physically and see what it does to me emotionally. In getting to know myself better, I remember that I was humiliated the first few times I realized I divulged something, or otherwise acted in a way I hadn't planned while drinking. I was such a much cooler person sober and am becoming that person again. I know it's sneaky though, so I'm standing guard. I think that October will be hard. With all of this stuff coming up the real triggers aren't there. But in October I will take a well deserved vacation and go see my old friends. I'm planning for that ahead of time.
Anyway, I have to be off. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.
xo-B