The hard thing about quitting drinking wasn’t actually putting the bottle down, it was answering the huge question "Now what?". I think the admittance was one thing, then the scope of my addiction expanded dramatically (I’ve been drinking heavily for 3 years, never really thought about my 30+ years of obsessively overeating before that).
When I think back to when I quit in April, I can hardly recognize myself. I’ve struggled a lot with finding purpose, a reason to want to live in the first place, and also live sober. It’s been a rollercoaster ride to say the least. I’ve gone from depressive navel gazing to seeing this big, exciting world full of people and opportunities.
This moment of clarity - the acceptance - was huge. I’m curious to see what my sponsor has to say too, but in the end I’m doing the steps for me, and the relief of finally really getting that first step was freaking priceless. (Trying not to be an AA apostle here, but this step seems to be essential to any kind of addiction and recovery.)
Thank you for all your feedback on this. Gottalife, I had this thought a lot like your train analogy. It’s a little like confessing to a crime and facing the consequences to me. I’m decluttering, doing my time so to speak. I love the fact that I have some very concrete repercussions to deal with, like my credit card debts. I’m paying them off rapidly, and it feels like purgatory. It also definitely feels like drinking is in the past. Like this guy in my AA group says: "You’ll never have to be alone, and you’ll never have to drink again".
I think that with acceptance I was finally able to forgive myself and start rebuilding my life.