Detaching is Tough, But Necessary!
Why does detachment work so much better?
- It shows our A that we have boundaries.
- It protects us from hurt.
- It allows us to slowly readjust to a life favoring ourselves.
It doesn't work perfectly. In fact, the first time she and I split up, I spent months where there would be moments I would be overcome with missing her. This was of course partially the codie in me but also the lamenting of a true loss. I think a lot of us come here because we're trying to understand the loss. Codie or not, we feel the loss because that's what it is. It's something we wanted to work that didn't. In the case of the relationship with the A, it's also something we probably tried to either fix, tolerate/live with, understand, reason with (the A and ourselves)...And none of it worked. Thus, we are left (at first anyway) with a hole that we sometimes are unsure we can ever fill again.
That's how it was with me anyway -- Part of me missed her, and will miss her again. There are always good characteristics in our A's, often buried or dulled by years of neglect, yet we see those glimpses, know they are there...We dream for a life where they can be there every day. Perhaps in the same way our A's dream of moderation...The almost unobtainable ideal (at least when you're in a relationship with an A who doesn't have any desire to recover or have the right toolbox
to do it).
Four years ago when we split, we knew it was the end. The wedding approached and there wasn't much question of staying together when you call off a wedding.
This time, there's no clock, and it's muddied the waters somewhat.
She had a moment of clarity around a week and a half ago where she seemed to suddenly realize that everything was falling apart in her life due to the booze. From all the reading I do around here I realized that this could be a variety of things (ranging from complete fabrication to an actual desire for recovery) but given the circumstances I decided to go with it. We had a frank and open conversation which she expressed things like saying she felt she was a f***-up, a self destructive person, a person who "has problems with alcohol", a person who kept "messing up". The first she has owned up to a problem in a very long time.
We had some wonderful days of talking, dating (dinner/movie type stuff), time together, remembering what we could do in life together when we had clear heads...It lasted 7 days. I kept plans I had made during my detachment and left for a few hours one night, and that was all it took for her to run right back to the liquor store (she had to text me to tell me before I came home, I guess to prepare me, that yes it happened). I expressed disappointment (perhaps should have tried to call and stop it as I've seen done here but I feel it would have been fruitless).
Given what I read here about false recovery and denial and everything else that an A can do when faced with the loss of both their relationship and their alcohol, I fully understand why this happened and was out of my control. It happened because she's not ready.
I was confronted immediately when I got home and asked if I had a problem with the fact that she had a rough day/week and needed to drink, also saying that it was SO HARD to not drink for the last week (so this was in her eyes the REWARD I guess). Obviously my answer was that it was a problem but I then walked away -and went to bed - No sense arguing with an intoxicated person. Detach, detach!
Since the initial binge, things only got worse -- The alcohol immediately was back in the house, the disappearing for an entire night...It all came back and we'd circled back in a very short period of time.
Some of us come here because we think we are the only ones who have ever lived through something like this, then we find strength and comfort in seeing just how similar it all is. I've also many times reflected back on my own role and contributions (or lack thereof) to the relationship. I wondered if this was all just a way to an off-ramp in a relationship that she wanted to end...This was just the vehicle to getting there. Then you read so many similarities here, about the AV, the failed recoveries, the things said, the patterns...You realize that alcoholism is real. You realize that you're wrapped up into a disease that you weren't even sure you were a part of. It's eye-opening to say the least.
She's made steps in self-awareness to know there is at least an issue in her. I can see she's not ready to stop listening to the AV and do the work -- The main issue being there is no recovery plan. The recovery plan this time was "I'll stop drinking". No support system, no AA, no SR, no friends to even help her through it. It failed miserably. I can't build her recovery plan or start her recovery. It can't be my decision or even my plan.,
We're back to where we were pre-day 1 where the recovery was short-lived. Back to the stages where the regret is setting in and I can't help but think the poor girl is struggling with why she's not drinking right now, every waking minute, because it's just the only thing that she can do to even temporarily have moments of "peace" or "happiness" or "distraction"...
And a final point I wanted to make and ask about. This goes out to the A's and those who are related. We hear a lot about how long it takes the brain to recover, and everyone is different. I think a lot of A's (my GF included) may expect/hope that with a couple days away from the booze, the sun comes out and everything's great. From what I read here, it's months, even years in some cases...before they can return to their full potential (or perhaps just LEARN how to deal with life in a real way without the numbness of substances). I recall her saying back in her 5 month dry spell last year, she didn't feel any better, she didn't feel any worse...and when she started to drink again, it was because nothing really good happened from a result of quitting. Again, no recovery plan. Nothing changed, I don't feel any different or better about myself, may as well just drink because at least that was FUN. I made the mistake perhaps of asking her how she was feeling occasionally last week. If she had been feeling healthier, better, clearer, as the days started to distance from the booze. She said the same. No better, no worse, no different. Perhaps it's that lack of insta-change that makes so many A's listen to the AV in their head and just say, stopping hasn't really made me feel any different, I may as well just go back to it.