Day 59, coming up on 2 months. If I count the 91 days I had earlier in the year I've got a lot of sober days this year. I spent a lot of time digging out the reason for the slip at 92 days. I know I've said I was complacent before, lost some of the fire of early recovery. I felt more and more stress, felt like it was building. I felt like I was "missing something". That something was, of course, alcohol. I did that 91 days on pure will power.
But willpower was not enough for me. Willpower is self-defeating because you set yourself up to keep yourself away from something you want. That thing becomes more important and the farther away from it you get the more rare and precious it seems to become. That's why diamonds are so expensive. They are rare. If every time you stepped out the door you were kicking them off your shoes and having to sweep them like dust then they would be worth nothing.
The mind flip for me has been to realize I don't miss something that was 100% crappy. Do I miss my last root canal?? Do I dreamily pine over it getting all excited for the next one I have to have? Do I think about what wonderful conversations my dentist and I had talking about my root canal? That's why I keep dredging up the fact that this romanticization of alcohol, the "selling of it", the false positive memories I have of it need to have a bright clear light shined on them. That's why I keep digging out the truth of those memories.
And that's made the difference for me. That's why I don't have to rely on just will power now.
I too hit the elliptical tonight; got 3 miles in. My arms are so sore just typing hurts!
Have a great eve folks.