that was an amazing set of thoughts, thanks for that
I can relate to the unicorn part, I am a very analytical person, and caring person who enjoys having a good time, but I hear ya, It is now really important to feel good about the people you spend time with, and being conifident that your time is well spent growing solid relationships. I feel like without alcohol it's easier to see who those people are.
Originally Posted by
determined99 
Dry, thank you brotha!
Pink, your post resonated with me. I too feel more comfortable with me and feel at peace with life in general. Yet, I too struggle with the friends having fun without me. But when I really think about it, I was actually best friends with alcohol. It made any circumstance fun and somehow rebellious in an odd oxymoronic way in retrospect, as it is actually conformity.
Alcohol seemed to slow my mind to contemplative speed, but I would often go down deep philosophical paths and find myself feeling alone in a room of people anyhow. I realize I have always been comfortable in front of a crowd, or with one person. Never working a room with multiple conversations about surface level topics. Therefore, alcohol worked initially. Then it turned on me and exacerbated the feeling of being different.
What I realize is that I need only one, at the most two, truly intelligent and deep friends. These, however, are true unicorns. Alcohol was the deep friend, but it betrayed my trust. So now, I search for unicorns and I know they are out there. I don't want a bar full of fake friends. I can't go back to that because I know too much now, both about alcohol and about me.
It does feel like the music stopped sometimes though and that's when I have to push through and find my inner strength. For example, I had a work dinner tonight and walked by many crowded pubs on the way home. I felt a bittersweet lonely feeling. Like I could turn backwards and see my old self on a bar stool, drunk and laughing on cue. I realized a familiar feeling. Like when you break up with someone and then realize it is really over. Not just another fight, but truly over. I thought this sobriety thing isn't just a test to see how long I can quit, it is over. For good. Now what?
I got in my car and felt a true love for life and an appreciation for breaking free. I felt connected to another level of love and hope and energy, realizing how fragile life is and how precious a friend or family member truly is. Not only should we stay sober one day at a time, we should live and enjoy life one day at a time. And keep on the lookout for unicorns...
Thanks for reading my ramble. I love you guys.