imignoni

My ABf and I have been fighting so much recently. I've noticed more and more that his mental health is declining and he's just absolutely numb. We've talked about things here and there but it's never cordial - it always ends with him getting embarrassed/ashamed/angry. It has been building up so much lately that one day I just lashed out on him. I told him everything he did or didn't do for me, how his behaviour was affecting me, so on and so forth. So now he thinks that I'm unhappy (which I suppose I am) but then he goes on to list all of the things he has done for me that should have made me realize was his way of telling me he loves me. This made me feel horribly guilty. He also said that I wasn't cooking for him anymore (one of the ways I showed him I cared) and he was right... I had no motivation to cook anymore. Of course, more guilt.

One of of talks last Tuesday involved him getting up and screaming, "A psychiatrist is like a mechanic. They HAVE to find something wrong or they aren't doing their job. I'm tired of everyone telling me what's wrong. Nothing is wrong with me. Do I want to go? **** NO! The only reason why I go to the ******* doctor is because y'all motherfuckers told me to!!!"

HUGE red flag, right? He stormed out of the house, but returned 20 minutes later (usually he leaves for 2-3 hours). I went to sleep in the extra bedroom but he came in and told me to sleep in our room and later on in the night he even tried to cuddle with me. Of course this made me feel "good" because it is not often that he realizes his mistakes or is the first person to give in, regardless of whose fault it is.

But... I didn't give in. Yes, I got up to go sleep in our bed, but I did not let him cuddle. I was hurt and honestly shocked that he felt that way. This made him angry and he ignored me for the entire next day. The whole guilt trip thing.

So I tried to calmly talk to him the next day and he was open to it. He told me that I need to move on and that he doesn't want to drag me into his mess. He admitted that he was numb and didn't know if he could love anybody right now. Sexually, he said he is not "into me" right now, but he is still able to get it up and we have had sex.

I know, I know. He needs to focus on getting better without the pressures of a relationship. I took all of my stuff this time (usually I leave just to cool off), but I am just wondering where we are? Or... I guess, how do I just NOT CARE? I know he needs to get better, but I'm just so focused on what's going to happen in the future.

I guess it is important to mention that he has a psycho ex-gf who has been waiting for us to break up for her to swoop in. I guess I'm worried about her catching wind of our "break" and, well, you know... Him going back to her.

Sigh... I don't know anymore.