I WANT your help
This is not where I want to post. What I want to do is send a PM to Dee and talk to him personally. The forum won't let me do that, so here I am posting to everyone and I don't really want to.
I want a chance. I want help. I don't want to feel abandoned. I need your help.
I can't do this alone. I AM SORRY for being arrogant, rude, confrontational, not respecting who you are. I really am sorry.
Please, be my friend here. Please let me have the 10th chance. I WANT to be involved. I don't want to be on my own. I cannot do this alone.
I need everybody's help and for whatever reason, I HAVE gotten involved here. I read everyone's posts, I want to be involved with all of you. I need help too.
I drink probably once a week or so now, but I can't seem to get over the hump. I am drinking now and trying AGAIN, to reach out for help. I don't want to push it away and I am truly sorry for whatever I said or did, or however I acted.
Please, please, please, give me the support I want so badly. And I did go back and read my last post and I honestly didn't think it was THAT bad, so I don't know. Maybe there is something I am missing here.
Please forgive me for being arrogant. I want your help as much as I always have. I want friends and support to. I want to live.
Please PM me and talk to me. I am just like you. I really am. Please help me.
And I don't want to tell you that you can't do or that I am any better. I am not. I suppose I feel good putting people down, which I do, when I don't feel good about myself. I have a very hard time asking and accepting help, oddly, especially when I am sober. I always feel like then that I should "handle it," and it is to my detriment.
And yes, I am jealous, jealous of others sobriety, when I feel like I have tried so hard in all these years, and still fail. It makes me feel like a loser. It makes me be mean and nasty and rude.
I am someone too. I am you. I have feelings too. I feel bad about it. I feel bad about me. I want to be someone who is happy, successful, not scared of others' help. I don't want to put people down, I don't want to be "better than," because I know, in my heart, I am not.
Please answer what I have said here.
Mabel.