Struggling with 4th step - how much is too much?
I had a call with my sponsor (we're on opposite coasts) today and she called me on my crap with not being prepared for our calls and doing the work. She questioned whether she could really get where I'm coming from because I have an enormous level of stress on me that she has never had. She's single working part-time, I'm married with two little kids, working full-time, and caring for my dad, who has advanced Alzheimers and dementia.
I am the first to admit that I have a heck of a time getting my EGO out of the way. I am convinced that I have to manage my recovery, and have negotiated things here and there rather than follow. I pray every day to God, and though I consider myself a religious person, since I've been battling my 'isms, I have felt far away from Him but I still go through the motions.
Sorry for the background - here's the question. Sponsor was peeved that I used an AA template for 4th step without checking with her, that I seem to be going in my own direction, and that I'm not committed to my recovery.
I have been slipping, it's been really rough. I recently came out of IOP (intensive outpatient) and am trying to balance things but not well. Still on my plan not God's. I've been attending AA meetings and other 12 step fellowships I belong to to try and get my stubborn knee to bend.
She rightfully pointed out that I put my family first, then my job, and then somewhere on the list is my recovery, and then me (or the dog). How do I make my recovery more front and center when I barely have time to sleep? How do I get myself to acquiesce and surrender? What am I doing wrong? I inventoried a lot but I grouped things - like the fact that my dad yelled at us and physically hurt us. If I were to break everything out, it would take me another month to get through it all, and it's been months already (I took a break for the 4 mo in treatment)
Thanks.