endlesssjourney

Ive never posted anything private online before. It would take pretty extreme circumstances to convince me to do so. Im just looking for feedback from those in similar circumstances. I recently divorced my addict husband while he was in rehab and moved to another state, all within the same week. He claims to have undergone a tremendous spiritual awakening in rehab, and I do see changes, but I can't look at him without questioning if every word out of his mouth is a manipulative lie. Now he is leaving recovery early because he "doesn't need the sober house anymore." He is off to pursue a music career with old unhealthy friends in an unhealthy environment full of triggers. Old habits die hard, and Im having a hard time with coping with all of these changes. I feel alone even when Im with friends. I feel sorry for myself nonstop, but I don't want to. Im in counseling, going to alanon, doing all the "right" things. But Im so angry and hurt by all of the lies, and the cheating, and his minimization of me and my feelings. I have completely cut off contact with him at this point. I can't stand hearing how amazing his life is now. This is the word he uses regularly. Amazing. I don't feel amazing. When I triednto share my feelings with him, he told me to work the 12 steps of alanon and get a sponsor, and only then will I feel as good as he does. Never an apology, no amends have been made. It's like the turmoil that his addiction caused me is irrelevant and insignificant. I paid tens of thousands for his rehab to save his life. I succeeded. Then I willingly moved away to free myself from any further bondage of his dysfunction. So why do I feel so sad and angry that I am getting what I asked for? How do I stop begrudging him his recovery and focus on my own? It's a mixture of love, hate, regret, loss, grief that I can't even describe. I miss my best friend, but I despise him at the same time. I don't know if anyone else has had a similar experience. If so, please share. Im feeling pretty alone in all of this.