hopealwayz

I was doing so well. But, what I am about to tell you is the honest truth and may come back to haunt me tomorrow. I couldn't deal with pain anymore. I am weak, I gave in. I have cocaine in my room right now, and I've been out at the bar drinking. The shame hasn't set in yet. I am not me right now. I wrote him a letter tonight telling him everything. This is the first time that I was completely real and honest with him especially about the way I love him. Obviously, I love a guy that I cannot be with. He doesn't feel the same way and he is leaving for another place.

But, I don't regret being in love with him. He is the first guy I ever truly loved and no matter what, he taught me something about love. I will never know why God didn't let things work out, but I can only trust in his judgement that there are better things ahead. The love inside of me is real, it is the leaving part that I chose to use as an excuse to have several drinks.

He is leaving and going on to something better. I am here rationalizing this and using it as an excuse to drink to "take the pain away."
But, learn your lesson from me, the pain is still there, problem still there, he is still leaving, and now I have the added stress of withdrawals.

So lesson learned, DON'T HANDLE PROBLEMS THE WAY I DO. IT IS NOT WORTH IT. PM me if you would like to, I want to help as many people as I can. I also need as many meetings as I can get to.

Please don't give up on me. I still haven't learned to live life on life's terms, but I'm trying so hard.