Shaking and Furious
Did not want this to be my first post on the newbie forum but I am in bits atm.
About to go away fro 6 days to gallicia for my best friends wedding, I have been sober 10 days - at my boyfriends insistence.
About ten minutes ago I like an idiot brought up the topic my of drinking and he just let rip about how awful it is and how he feels he has to be the responsible adult. He said he doesn't want to be in a relationship like that so I asked him why he was, he said cuz he loves me, I asked him why he doesn't just go get someone he doesn't have to worry about that with.
Everything he said about my drinking is probably true and thats why I am so angry and hurt and furious but I really wish right now that I was single and not with him.
I'm fed up that ALL the problems in the relationship seem to be about me, my depression, my mental health issues my drinking.
I am the one with a full time job, doing an MA and starting a PHD in october, my money keeps us going. In the 3 and a half years we've been together he's worked for only a year and that I had to beg him to do. Any time I mention it to him he says he has anxiety and that its baby steps for him and he brushes all my worries and fears away like its nothing.
He says we cant have kids because IM not ready. I'd be happy to quit drinking to have kids and im getting to the point of no return on that score now.
We have to pack, I have 1,000 words to write for my essay before the end of the night and I am shaking and crying. He is swanning round the house whistling and smiling like nothing effects him.
I don't know if I am unhappy in this relationship because of my issues or because I dont want to be in a relationship.
i don't know HOW I am going to pack and look forward to going away or ow I can face writing this 1,000 words that NEED done.
I just keep thinking that 5 years ago I wasn't in this position and was with someone who loved me for me, and I didn't have a drink problem.
How am I supposed to go away with him when I can't look him in the eye and everyone will be drinking for 6 days.
I know I'm whining, I'm sorry - I'm just at the end of my tether.