Originally Posted by Croissant

Thanks Snooz for your kind words. Yeah, I would speak to him....and I considered it, or maybe contact one of his sisters to test the water, but - I think he would listen and appreciate it. But, he's married now with two small children. It's likely it would wrench up pain that may have settled for the best on his end.

The worst part, for me, is he tried and tried to get back together, but I was the one who continually pushed him away. I basically forced him to be with this girl in a fashion, so he could have his own children.

I did see him at the funeral last year, and it was unbearable. I could be lying to myself, but I believe those strong feelings were still there as we never broke up because we fell out of love or hated each other or fought angrily. It was because I said I didn't think I could have children with him (something we'd always agreed we would do), the real honest reason is, I realised I no longer wanted to fall pregnant, because that would mean stopping drinking. He said he would accept I didn't want children (I used the excuse I felt I was getting too old, well, the alcy in me believed that), but I still pushed him away.

When I saw him, I started to cry, not just because of the funeral, but just seeing him was overwhelming. Now, him being him, he always hated to see me cry and I saw the look on his face of wanting to comfort me, and me wanting that comfort, but the sadness of the fact that it's not like we can have that with each other anymore. The invisible wall is there, yes?

Of course, in my dreams his wife and children magically disappear now and we seem to be getting back together. Which is better than my early sobriety dreams where he'd always catch me sneaking drinks.

Long post, but I guess I have accepted I have to carry the same amount of pain I must have caused. All the tears I know he must have cried, but I never knew or realised until feeling them myself now I'm sober. That's the awesome thing about sobriety (sarcasm), there's no escaping pain, you have to feel it with all its full hard and devastating force.