Sorry you're having a hard time of it. It is very hard to problem-solve when you have washing-machine recovery head.
The good news is that actually how you're feeling is pretty normal. Most people felt hopeless and untreatable at the start of their recovery journey. One of the things that a lot of us realise during this journey is to NOT trust our feelings. Just because we 'feel' something, it doesn't mean it's true. I used to put a lot of energy into feeding anxieties and resentments that, even if they DID exist, feeling them and giving them extended head-space really didn't help. When I first went to AA I heard a lot about 'acceptance', which baffled me, but I didn't voice my questions, which were:
Q.1 WHAT am I supposed to be accepting
Q.2 WHY the f*** should I accept it if it's unpleasant / unfair / painful
I thought it was all about will-power, and it took me a long time to realise that will-power is all well and good, but it's the acceptance that keeps me sober.
Over time I figured out the answers to my questions, through listening to others, and reading, and trial and error.
A.1 Accept the things you cannot change
A.2 Because if you can't change them, festering over them is a just a distraction from recovery, and working to make things right. My anger over justified resentments only hurts me.
You're probably wondering why I'm waffling on about acceptance when you have wheels; past harms to your family; work; money; staying sober; and a multitude of other things crowding your brain that you need to deal with. The reason is that it really helps if you can 'accept the things you can't change; and have the courage to change the things you can' - the hard bit is having the wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed by 'stuff' battling for head space, first off I try to note a list of what is stressing me. Even daft stuff, like the kitchen light keeps flickering, or there's no space left in the kitchen drawer, or that I don't think Sue at work likes me. Then I try to work out, which things I have no control over (and need to find my way to accepting) and which things I can change somehow) and need to find the courage or energy or time to change. The 'change' things can then be gradually worked through. (I try to do the easiest things first, because it clears some head-space to tackle the more complicated ones - for example, I might change the kitchen light bulb, and tidy out the draw and chuck stuff away / organise it better. Sometimes while I'm doing the easy or mundane things, my sub-conscious mind has obviously been freed up enough to work away on the harder stuff, and when I calm down a bit I might reason that Sue's having a hard time with her kid being ill lately, so she's probably not ignoring me, just she's a little distracted and depressed. Then I can forgive her for not saying hello back when I smiled and said 'hi' and stop feeling bad).
We can't go back in time and change stuff we've already done to hurt our partners and family. We can apologise, which we've mostly already done. Lots of times. (Before going back out to repeat-offend them). But what we can do now is make a living amends, by being the partner or parent that they need (and deserve). It's understandable if they don't trust that's what's we' doing at first - but we're not doing it to get approval or gratitude. We're doing it for selfish reasons - to get back some self-respect and start liking ourselves.)
One thing that won't solve ANY problem is alcohol. It might make us FORGET the problem for a few hours, but at best the problem will still be there when we sober up, and at worst we'll have added more problems while we were drunk.
Sometimes we want a drink just to quiet the voices in our head that are pulling us in lots of different directions. Some people find that's when meditation can help (I know it sounds a little new age, but sometimes we do need to just bring ourselves back into the moment; and stop rehashing dingy old memories of people hurting us, or us hurting others; stop projecting all the stuff that might / could go wrong, eventually convincing ourselves that it WILL happen. Maybe it will, but if it's unavoidable then living it once will be quite enough.) I'm still only experimenting with this, but it def makes me feel calmer. I try to close my eyes and focus on what I can hear; smell; and feel. If my mind goes back to it's noise, I carry on with the sensory focus for a little longer. I've also heard people on here talking about mindfulness through emotion-surfing.
Anyway - good luck with everything. Keep coming back and posting.
