Hi Mindracer, sounds like you are in a bit of a conundrum, you are being honest with yourself and those of us here on SR, but lying to those close to you. People here talk about surrendering, and it sounds like you are at that point. As hard as it maybe, sharing your thoughts with your parents and girlfriend may surprise you and work in your favor. I'm sure they don't want to see you suffer. And it sounds like you are suffering. I wish you the best, stay honest, and reach out for some help. As others have mentioned, alcohol does indeed kill people. Worse yet, it can kill people who have quit drinking via the withdrawal process. Serious stuff.