...just one beer
I'm new here so bare with me...
My future husband is an alcoholic and I'm just starting to accept that he always has been.
Looking back on the 5 years we've been together the red flags were all there in the beginning however I told myself that we were both young and without any children so occasionally drinking to excess was normal.
I know now that he was a functioning alcoholic. I ignored how quickly he'd go through his bottles of cheap bottom shelf vodka.
I told myself that he has always treated me well, his work life didn't suffer and what a hypocrite I'd be for bringing it up since I was a social drinker.
Then a couple of years into our relationship his functionality started to morph into disfunction. He had a couple of dui's and lost his license. Then he lost his job.
It was then that reality started to hit me. This was not normal.
He was waking up before me in the morning and drinking without me knowing. Or maybe I didn't want to know? We had several important conversations, he admitted he had a problem and committed to getting healthy.
He found a job, a better job even and things seemed to be improving. He stopped drinking vodka and moved on to a couple high gravity beers after work (against my wishes). He was doing good at his new job and from what I could tell was only casually drinking in the evenings after work.
I told myself it was a step in the right direction, I told myself that it was a huge accomplishment for him to cut out vodka and considered the transition to "beer" (I use that term losely because I don't consider that crap beer, although he does) a compromise.
He has always treated me well, he is loving and supportive dispite his disease. I love and support him as well, unconditionally. I've always thought this would be something that we overcome together and as hard as it would be that in the long term our relationship would be that much stronger.
He proposed, I said yes.
For about a year things were ok.
But then one day most recently out of the blue I got a call from his HR manager, they were taking him to be tested and more than likely I'd have to come pick him up, that he was losing his job.
Again.
My world started to crumble around me, my heart was broken. How could i be so delusional?
Turns out he has been hiding his early morning drinking from me, again. Driving to the gas station at the end of the road and buying a couple at 6 am when they opened. Going to work drunk.
He blew a .32 at the clinic where they tested him and he was seemingly sober. He should have been unconscious.
So here we are. Present day.
I'm struggling, I don't know what to do. I love him, I want to support him and his road to recovery unconditionally.
I do not want to watch him kill himself.
He's never been abusive or nasty to me and we don't argue much unless it's about his drinking. Actually some days I believe my decision to leave or stay would be easier if he were abusive.
I have told him that I will no longer pretend I'm okay with his drinking habits.
I occasionally drink socially and have committed to live a dry life (a glass of wine with dinner to me is not worth the effect it might have on our relationship or his recovery journey).
I've poured everything out in the house and gave our bottle of wine from the day he proposed to my mom for safe keeping (I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it).
He tells me I'm trying to control him. I tell him I'm sorry he feels that way and I love him.
When I ask if he thinks he has a problem he'll tell me yes but refuses outside help. He insists that he can do it on his own. Just one beer a day he says.
Only it's not just one beer, it's a 24 oz can of malt liquor in the morning and then just "one" more after that.
Even though he insists he's sticking to "just one" a day I'm finding his evidence all over the house.
I'd like to give him an ultimatum but I don't think I'm ready to follow through if nothing changes.
I'm also scared to death to move forward into marriage and a future family with this disease.
What now?